What is the Duration for "Letting go"?

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Stephanie Chizoba Odili

May 13, 2024

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What is the Duration for "Letting go"
"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake."
Psalm 23:2-3.

I will not count the number of times people have said “just let it go” to grieving, healing people. Whether you mean well or you don’t, or whether you are just using a cliche because you think it's necessary, here’s a polite message- please stop.

Start to think about the meaning behind telling someone to “let go”. Merriam-Webster defines this phrase as —to forget or not care about something. Now, think about the people whom you have said this to, how kind was it to tell them to forget or not care about something or someone they have spent time caring for? Not so kind you see.


One of the first things my therapist asked me was to go over the myths I had ever heard, used or thought about loss (including disappointment, pain/ and hurt). Some of them include:

  • Get over it
  • It's not that serious
  • It’s God’s will
  • You will look back on this and laugh
  • Other people go through worse or have gone through worse
  • Be thankful you did not die
  • This is your burden to carry
  • Time will heal this
  • Crying too much still means you are sad and shows weakness.
  • Crying won't solve anything

At face value, some of these seem “true”. Yet when you look deeper, it speaks less on truth and more on personal/societal expectations. You expect a grieving wife to “get over” the heartbreak of a marriage ending. You expect a father to believe his son’s death is “God’s will”. You expect a sibling to believe “crying won’t solve anything” right after their sister/brother dies. These expectations have been enforced by some of society as being the truth, but I put it to you today that it is a myth.


The Bible in Ecclesiastes 3:4 says that “there is a time to mourn”. It is okay to mourn. Yes, it should not last forever, but we do not get to choose that time for anyone. It is God who does. Acts 1:7-8 MSG says “timing is the Father’s business”. Hence, it is neither yours nor my responsibility to speed up people's grief and mourning time.

I have come to see that there is such a thing as letting go too soon. It is caused by:

  1. Believing the above myths about grief.
  2. Seeking an unimaginary yet very visible badge of strength for “getting over someone or something quickly”.
  3. Overvaluing of self worth and esteem
  4. Deciding that people are changeable and worthless.
  5. Agreeing with the unspoken rule of “moving on sooner is better”.

Dear you who is not suffering, may I ask you to be kinder and more patient with those who are. Encourage them to seek God and His timing so that they can let go in His time (and God knows the best time we need). Tell the mourners that letting go too soon will not cure the pain, will not make them stronger and most importantly, will not remove the experience of what they are mourning.

Matthew 5:4 says “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted”. Please partner with God to comfort them. One day, hopefully for the ones who survive this heartache, your loved ones will laugh again, love again, live again.


Remember the myths from earlier, here are ways to correct them:

  • You can get through this
  • I understand this is very serious to you on a personal level
  • I know God’s plan for you is to bring you good
  • When you look back on this, you learn. (to be said by a person grieving not a comforter)
  • Your lived experiences or pain are personal and important
  • What can you be grateful for right now? That can help you feel better
  • How do you need support in this season?
  • Healing is a process that could take some time, but it is possible. What action can we take to begin the healing process?
  • Crying too much means that you care or that the pain is too deep. It's okay to mourn for some time. And it's an indicator of what is happening internally.
  • Crying is the first step towards healing.

Dear you who is mourning, there is no time limit more important than God’s, and He will never rush your healing. Take your time. If you laugh today and bawl tomorrow, it is not because you are weak, it is not because you are despised by God, it is because it hurts. Yes, one day the pains will not be as hard, and the trauma will not be as loud. Until then, letting go gradually, and not as soon as people say shows wisdom, grace and self compassion. Don’t be in a hurry to move through this heartbreak, find out what it taught you about yourself, about the other person, about life, about people in general. How has it brought you closer to God? How can you pay it forward?

I promise you, that at the end of this period, when the fog is clearer and your healing is better, you will become an example to yourself and to others that letting go when the time is right, is the true testament of the human spirit's capacity for growth and renewal.